Stephen Colbert returned to The Late Present on Tuesday night time (September 2) after a summer time hiatus and rapidly caught up on the information he’d missed, together with rumors of Donald Trump‘s dying. Plus, he gave his tackle what a Trump telephone intercourse line would possibly sound like.
“I used to be shocked to study that this weekend, the largest story was frenzied social media rumors speculating whether or not Donald Trump had died,” the late-night host stated on the high of his opening monologue. “For the file, Donald Trump may be very a lot alive, okay.”
When the studio viewers booed in response, Colbert calmed them down, saying, “No, we like our presidents alive.”
“This entire loopy rumor began just because Trump had zero occasions on his schedule, Wednesday, Thursday or Friday,” the comic continued. “One of many solely indicators that he would possibly nonetheless be round was music within the Rose Backyard, which the White Home confirmed was the President’s music. Which, I obtained to say, is just not the strongest proof of life. ‘Sure, nurse, I do see that flat line, however the affected person is clearly alive as a result of his iPhone is taking part in Papa loves Mambo.’”
“Anyway, as a result of he was out of public view, and since, when he’s in public view, eww, the web went loopy. ‘Is Trump lifeless?’ and ‘Trump lifeless’ had been among the many high searches on Google, whereas the highest search on Bing was as all the time, ‘the place discover Google?’” Colbert quipped.
He then pointed to an interview Vice President JD Vance gave to USA In the present day, the place he was requested if he was able to assume the function of Commander in Chief if wanted.
“The President is in extremely good well being. He’s obtained unbelievable vitality,” Vance answered. “And whereas the general public who work across the President of america are youthful than he’s, I feel that we discover that he truly is the final one who goes to sleep. He’s the final individual making telephone calls at night time.”
Colbert wasn’t positive if this was proof that Trump “is totally wholesome” or that “he runs a telephone intercourse line.” He then mimicked the President, saying, “‘Hiya… what am I carrying? I’m carrying my baseball hat with my identify on it and compression socks for my bloated cankles. Oh, they’re so plump with fluid proper now! You wanna hear them gurgle?’”
The host additionally wasn’t satisfied by the blurry footage of Trump arriving on the White Home entrance on Saturday (August 30). “For extra proof, the White Home additionally launched a photograph of Trump swimming in a Scottish Loch,” he added, referring to the notorious Loch Ness Monster.
Earlier than wrapping up the section, Colbert pointed to the “utterly regular video from the weekend the place somebody drops a number of heavy thriller luggage out an higher story window [at the White House].”
“The White Home official advised reporters it was a contractor doing common upkeep whereas the president was gone,” Colbert continued, although Trump himself later claimed it was “most likely AI-generated,” regardless of complaining about how individuals “blame AI” when one thing actually dangerous occurs.
“You simply blamed AI!” Colbert snapped. “Which suggests one thing actually dangerous occurred! Are you lifeless? Had been you in these luggage? Are you AI?”
You’ll be able to watch the complete monologue within the video above and tell us your ideas beneath.
The Late Present With Stephen Colbert, Weeknights, 11:35/10:35c, CBS